Animosity and Spite

How deep can it really get
How low can you go
How far can you swim
to get to the other side
You might die
Inside and out
turning all about
I don't want to do this
I don't even care
My mind begins to wonder
Do I dare
Turn the channel
Tune into another place and time
Where I can be one with my  mind
This drama
Isn't even mine
I signed up for this
Knew this from start
Only I could not resist
The pumping of my heart
Beating to a new drum
A new rhythm
This love inside
I just had to give in.

Emotional

I feel my emotions about to explode.  Sometimes, I don't even know what to do with myself.  I look back over my life and see how some of the decisions I made were purely emotional.  I think to myself, I have got to get it together and just like Chinua Achebe's book, things fall apart.  I find my emotions a mess on the floor.  I pick them up to start again and then oops I drop them.  This time, I bought a sack to put them in, a pretty silky satin sack shimmering purple, to hold all of my emotions.  I only pull them out when I need to go postal on someone.  Just kidding.  They are mine.  I have to own them.  I can't throw them out.  New ones just take their place.  I have to accept that I'm just an emotional being and keep those emotions in check.  We can't go back and change the past, but we can certainly choose how we handle things in the future.  Until next time, good luck and God bless.

-Kisha Deniece

Thursday, March 31, 2011

I have to take the time to ask myself several questions.  I have to take the time to explore all of my doubts and not just ignore them, in hopes that they go away.  I'm in a predicament.  Some say I'm lucky, however, this certainly doesn't feel like luck.  It feels like muck, like I've been demoted to be promoted.  I see the work that God has been doing in me and he's given me a vision.  Not sure if I like the path.  It's taking too long and I'm running out of patience.  However, I've explored all of my doubts.  It's time for me to move on, whether I like what God is whispering to me or not.  I've tried to ignore his voice.  I've tried to do it my way.  It didn't work.  So now here I am ready and willing, feeling like I have no other viable or attractive choice at this point, totally and completely satisfied that I've explored every last one on my wild oats.  God is looking at me grinning and saying to me, I told you I had a plan for your life.  So calm, so collected, like he's been sitting around bored waiting for me to get it together, so we can go ahead and do this thing.  Well, I'm here now.  That's all I can say.  I'm here now and I'm ready to move forward.  In spirit and in truth, I embrace all that I've become and all that I aspire to be.  I am ready for the journey.  I'm headed down the right path and there is no turning back.  I am grounded in my purpose and I know the things of God are true in my heart and in my soul.  I hold these things deeply.  Forever and ever, amen.

Feminism

Some may call me a black modern feminist.  I don't know where that title came from.  I do have my feelings about men.  Issues that remain unresolved, that have some how turned on their own into the I am a woman hear me roar anthem.  And that's okay, I let them. I don't want them resolved.  I purposely let them run rampart because someone out there deserves to feel the brunt of my wrath.  As a woman, I've been done wrong.  I won't complain about it.  I know that it is what it is and I have to keep it moving.  Still the fact remains.  Don't expect me to be happy about it. Don't expect me to be friends with you once the forgiveness is done.  Yes, it's for me and I claim it fully.  What have I done?  I have to take responsiblity for that as well.  I sometimes don't pay attention.  I get so wrapped up in me and that's the truth.  I can be honest about that.  I feel safe in me.  I feel warm and loved when I'm in me and that's I place I just love to go.  Call it excuses.  I don't mean to hurt any one.  I'm just telling you the way that I am.  I don't hate all men.  I have a wonderful son that I adore and am so in love with in that Mommy kind of way and a fiance who puts a smile on my face most days.  It is what it is, right.  I've stopped looking for perfection.  I don't believe it exsists.  All I know is that I am me and no one else.  I don't try to be someone I'm not.  All that I am and all that I strive to be is an inner reflection of self.  All that I've been through, has made me who I am today.  I am disciplined and I am strong.  There's no need to be mad about it.  I'm moving on and I'm letting go.  I'm allowing myself to be crazy, wonderful and feminine me.

Kisha Deniece

Inconceivable

It's inconceivable to think that I'm here with you
So much time has passed
So much time wasted
But, I'm here with you and I'm here to stay
I won't go astray
I won't leave and go away
I'm here with you now
I may have gone off afar
Soaring my wild oats
I'm here with you now
Doesn't it matter
Doesn't it count
I don't want to be out
I want to be here
With you now
Is where I want to be
I don't want to be any where else
Some where else out and about
Seeing what's out there
I don't really care
I'm here with you now
Right now
In this place
Is where I want to be
So full of peace
So full of your grace
Never leave me or forsake
Your undying love
Is what I crave
You're here with me now
I'm here with you now
Now is all we have
The past is over
Tomorrow is never promised
Right now,
I want to kiss you
I want to love all over you
Here with you now
Is where I want to be
I got you
You got me
Perfect
Happy
Easy
Breezy and free.

January 3, 2011

Dear Reader:

Today marked the day of a new beginning.  I feel like I'm going backwards, like I'm in a wind tunnel and it's sucking me back instead of pushing me forward.  Everyone keeps smiling at me and grinning for some odd reason.  I keep checking myself and it's all good.  I don't know what the smiles and grins are for.  I feel like I'm being laughed at.  Oh well, I must be amusing.  I'm no fool, I can assure you.  I know what it is to love someone, who doesn't love you back, but I also know what it is to move on and just do your best, so all this foolishness has got to stop.  At the end of the day it will and I'll have the last laugh, only I won't be laughing, I'll be simpling reveling in my joy and victory.  It gives me no pleasure to think that others are worse off than me.  It saddens me and makes me feel awful inside.  It's also insulting to think that one should be happy with crap just because someone else has more crap or worse crap than you.  It's not a happy thing, so let it go.  Just because something is good in our lives, does that mean we should ignore the problems and the ill feelings aching inside?  No, I don't think so.  It's not good to live in la la land like it's all good and ignore the problems.  It's also not good to harp on the problems, never giving thanks for what is good.  There has to be some type of balance.  Be thankful for the good and do something about the problems to rectify them or make it better.  We can't do one without doing the other.  We must create and maintain balance on this earth.  Until next time, be blessed.

One Love,

Kisha Deniece

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Dear Reader:

The year is still shocking to me, something about 2011.  I can't put my finger on it, but I keep feeling like this is going to be a great year and usually my feelings don't lie to me;)  I know that's right.  I have so many goals that I want to accomplish.  I've written them down and made an action plan for each of them.  I feel organized and I feel like I'm finally heading in the right direction again after being thrown off track for a minute.  Life can do that sometimes.  I'm feeling good on the inside.  I have my relationship with JC in tact and now all I need is for my worship to manifest into the promises that have been placed in my heart.  It's going to be grand and I can't wait.  2011 is my year! and yours.  Get money;)

Sincerely,

Kisha Deniece