Life

Life is something that I contemplate every day. I wonder why I'm here, why I stay. It get's rough sometimes. It's interesting to me how we can sometimes complain and feel like life is just too much and we literally want it to hurry up and end, but if given the opportunity to end our life, we do everything we can to hold on to it. There must be something good. That's what each of our challenge is, to find the good. We have to get to the good part before we throw in the towel.

Suicide is something that I've contemplated on many occasions. I'm not going to lie and I will be transparent. I wanted to die. I wanted to end my life and I couldn't go on. Each and every time I would get to that point, Jesus would come in like a storm and wipe the feeling away. And I'd be okay for a little while and then the feeling would return. I'd get overwhelmed by what I didn't have and what I had not yet achieved and the outside pressure to not feel like a failure would make life seem like it wasn't worth living. I was so dissapointed in myself.

I had my son and I just knew that I would never have a bout with suicidal feelings again. I was wrong. They crept in. I cried and I cried because I just couldn't leave him. No one and I mean no one does it like mama. I even tried to justify that perhaps he would grow up independently and he wouldn't need me. I don't want him to be a needy person. I tried to make him my reason for living. I couldn't do it. I had to find it within. I had to heal and I had to finally face the fact of what was causing me to feel suicidal. I faced it. I processed it in my mind and I bound it in the name of Jesus. It can no longer rule and reign in my life. Prayer works and God can perform miracles. I'm a living witness to the fact.

God is good and life is good. Don't give up. Keep going. Even when haters and adversaries try to come in and make you miss out on your blessings, it's just not worth it to let any one else be happy on the account of your misery. They have problems, not you. Peace be with you and be blessed.

Love,

KM